Post PHM thoughts

I finished Project Hail Mary and it was amazing, I'm sure the book is equally as amazing, probably better honestly. The plot, the visuals, the pacing were so good, it went by so fast and didn't drag. The way I related so much to Dr. Grace was crazy to me. The standard at which you are held to in academic science is very intense. There is this very competitive hierarchy in academia and it feels like it determines your worth as a scientist. Especially where there's no time boundaries like a normal 9-5, I've spent 12 hours in lab before starting super early just to squeeze it into the day and go home at a semi reasonable time. There is usually a deadline and they don't care if you have to work weekends or late night to get it done. So it can be kind of toxic, demanding and intense to say the least. But I think that's what I miss, the freedom of doing it on my time and not being put in this box. If I wanted to go in at 5am or stay until 10pm I could and no one would say anything about it.

It's weird when I get in my feelings and miss all of it because it was so demanding. It took all my time and it was a huge struggle. But what is life without struggle? I think that's what I'm scared of to be honest. That I wont be able to make it through the struggle and then I went through all of it for nothing. And I mean I know its not that serious because life is what you make it and it should be fun at the very least. But still, most of the time I feel like what's ahead is so insurmountable and it overwhelms me. Everyone around me tells me that I'm good at what I do but I can't see it. I feel like I'm a reflection of what others expect of me and I'm trying to work on it but when you feel like that it is so hard to trust yourself. How can I know I'm making the right choice if I don't even know who I am. 

Honestly, I'm just going in circles here but, I've unfortunately made up my mind. Tomorrow I'm going to email my old PI and tell her I'm going to apply for my masters. Its a scary decision for me and it makes me so scared to think about but if I learned anything, it's to pick the things in life that are scary because they often have the greatest reward. I love science and research so what choice do I have but to go back to what I'm passionate about? I've had almost 2 years to take a break and travel the world so now getting back into learning for 2 years should be such a fun change in pace. I think I can do it, even though I hate public speaking.... I will do it (manifesting it).